20 nov. 2008

Letter #1

Mijn Beste J,
T'is een beetje te veel van onze laste praat. En wil aleen aan jou "ik hou van jou" te zegen nog een keer.

Ik wil aleen "danke" aan jou te zegen. Nog een keer. En ik wil een betje met alles dat in mij blift te ben.

Mischien was ik een beetje beter in Spaans of Engels dat in Nederlands. Mischien moet ik in Engels sprecht. Mischien... ik weet het niet. Ik hebt geen idee van wat te doen...

I know, you know better about me. What I know from you, even if limited, it's enough for me. I know you're doing great out there. Maybe it's a bit of stupidity from me, maybe it's just a way to let my inner thought to you come out and so free my heart.... I don't know, again, I have no idea what's the puropose of it, but I feel like telling to you what you probably know already about me. So excuse me if I'm repetitive... Now I own a cat and I drive, quite well, a car. I remembered you few days ago when I was parking it... I'm the daughter of my mum, indeed, and I do it as you expected me to do it "someday". I live on my own and I manage my bills. I've turned 30 and I feel I can theoretically manage my life on my own... though I know in practise I ask for advices and opinions. I've chased away most "unwanted" male company and I keep safely on my own, painting, meditating -when I can- and consulting an oracle for spiritual guidance. I'm 3 steps further the same direction you left me. And I still have a knot in my troat when I write to you...
In a way, I'm more or less the same. Just a bit more open, just a bit more restless, just a bit more emancipated, just a bit more aware of past and future lives and life and dead. Maybe, only maybe, more aware of our ephimerous lives in this time and place.

I just remember you from time to time now, and not every second, as before. Or I've learnt to handle all the memories you left me, thanks to the psychotherapy. Did I mentioned I underwent psychotherapy? Oh, yes. And the doc was surprised at all the suffering I had lived. He even told me that in something as simple as how to be a host, you've failed to me. I haven't forgotten and I haven't fully forgiven all what's remaining in my memory. I'm trying to do so, believe me. I wish I could rest only with the beautiful moments. I guess the package comes with everything in it. Or maybe it's like would say a famous Colombian writer, Gabriel García Márquez, "life it's not as we lived it, but as we remember it".

Listening to Eddie Vedder, "Guaranted", today, I felt like writing to you. Now I don't fully know what to say. Maybe it's been so much, for so long, that I'll need several letters to undergo this pain that make me now cry some tears after all the words of my visceral anger and sadness, pain and tenderness too, knot up in my troat... and that leaves me unable to speak, with pain on my troat...

I felt like searching for the lyrics of the song that made me think of you today, in this rainy November in my tropical homeland... Now I understand why that song was my favorite one since I listened to the CD. Soul, my friend, is a great great teacher... I'll copy and paste for you only the pieces I feel identify with, oki?I'll write to you soon. I just wanted to say that now, I realize many things I couldn't and wasn't able to "see" when we were together. You weren't as bad as I thought but you made me live the worst I've ever lived until now. I don't regret it, though... you know? I suffered, I still have things "unhealed" (a problem I have to conciliate on my own, that's my "homework" to do), but I don't regret all the lessons I've learnt from this period, from this lapse of time we shared. All the best and the worst, understand me. But as I told you, I don't regret it because this whole chapter of my life made me the person I'm now. It "forged" me... Life was so poetic, it has been so poetic to me... your father was into blacksmithing, you liked modelling pieces, your mother used to work pottery at the moment... all of you "molded" things out of raw materials. See? Now I realize it, I haven't seen it before...
Stay calm, I know you already know that I think that you didn't do everything on purpose, but out of ignorance. Which doesn't make the whole thing less severe, but less dramatic. ;)

I feel better now. I think I'll write you more, more often, whenever I feel like doing so. Meanwhile, I know, you'll be there, here I mean, looking after me. Yes, I've already discovered you're one of my gardian angels... And I start to cry again, sillyly... I don't know exactly why.
And before leaving, I'll copy and paste the pieces of the song of Eddie Vedder that today reminded me of you... A big hug to you, wherever you are, J...

On bended knee is no way to be freelifting up an empty cup
I ask silently that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breath(...)
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes...(....)
Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...(...)
Leave it to me as I find a way to beconsider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

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